Crucify
by Liberty Ford
Summary: CUTTING & SLASH! Hermione has a cutting problem, she tries to get over it but her mind drifts to another girl. Ginny...she won't ever want her and it's driving Hermione over the edge! Song by Tori Amos!


Disclaimer: All characters are Jo Rowling's… They begged to be mine but I wanted to do too much with Sirius so Bloomsbury said Jo could have them… =(

Crucify

Every finger in the room is pointing at me  
I wanna spit in their faces  
Then I get afraid what that could bring  
I got a bowling ball in my stomach  
I got a desert in my mouth  
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now.

Hermione Granger floated across the water on her back. She stared up at the sleeping mermaid portrait and put her feel to the ground. She paddled her way across to the edge of the bath and pulled herself out. She grabbed her towel quickly and wrapped it around her body. Even though she was alone in the bathroom part of her felt insecure. She dried herself and then studied the girl looking back at her from in the mirror.

I've been looking for a saviour in these dirty streets  
Looking for a saviour beneath these dirty sheets  
I've been raising up my hands  
Drive another nail in  
Just what God needs  
One more victim

She looked at her ankles and worked her eyes up. When she got to her thighs she grimaced slightly. Long gashes, some still quite new were spread across her legs. Some small ones, some slightly longer ones, some were just barely visible, but they were there. She moved her eyes to her arms and ran her left finger over the scars on her right arm. Again there were so many.

Why do we crucify ourselves  
Every day I crucify myself  
Nothing I do is good enough for you  
Crucify myself  
Every day I crucify myself   
And my heart is sick of being in chains

A tear trickled down her cheek; quickly she wiped it away and stood up straight. _I'm not going to cry and I refuse to be found dead in here one morning._ _Of course I'm about the only girl who uses this bathroom so they might only find me when the smell reaches the great hall._ She screwed her face up but giggled slightly at her own joke.

Got a kick for a dog beggin' for love  
I gotta have my suffering  
So that I can have my cross  
I know a cat named Easter  
He says will you ever learn   
You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird

            Later that night she pulled her diary out from under her pillow and picking up a quill she wrote.

**_September 12th _**

**_I've been at Hogwarts twelve days and I guess it's better than home. No parents fighting and i'm free to do magic. Plus now mum won't be checking on me. I hope she didn't tell anyone about my little hobby! Oh yes... self mutilation is so much fun... I'm being sarcastic!_**

**_Hermione Granger… That's me! Everyone looks at me and they see a healthy, bushy haired, bossy, goodie two shoes. I guess that does pretty much sum me up. However, they don't see what I see everyday. I see her look back at me in the mirror with tears in her eyes. I see her go to class everyday with no true friends. I see her do things while locked in the toilets. I see her pull out her razor. I then see her slice it down her thigh. I see the sudden rush of blood trickle down her leg. That's the Hermione Granger I see. She's not perfect. She's not a goodie goodie. She's got more problems then she can handle. _**

I've been looking for a saviour in these dirty streets  
Looking for a saviour beneath these dirty sheets  
I've been raising up my hands  
Drive another nail in  
Got enough guilt to start   
My own religion

_I'm… different than others think. No one knows I do that. Well… Crookshanks does and even though he's just a cat I know it distresses him. I guess you know now, but it's not like you're going to tell anyone. You are after all only my diary. In fact… why should you even care! No one else seems too..._

Why do we crucify ourselves  
Every day I crucify myself  
Nothing I do is good enough for you  
Crucify myself  
Every day I crucify myself   
And my heart is sick of being in chains

_I can't stand this yelling inside my head… oh fuck everyone… they'd probably just be jealous because all the little voices are talking to me!_

Hermione sat down in the common room and sunk into the chair. 

_Oh gosh… she's here. She's walking over to me._

"Hi, Hermione." Said Ginny Weasley as she approached.

"Hi…" Hermione managed to reply without a stutter. You're gorgeous… Was what she wanted to say. She shook the thought out of her head and stood up. "I have to go… see you later."

"Sure." Ginny replied. "Are you all right?"

"Course… bye." Hermione turned and walked out of the common room without another word.

****

Please be  
Save me  
I cry

****

_Where am I going? It's dark and after hours and if I get caught I'll be in trouble… oh, fuck them all… like I care. Everyone thinks I should care but why should I? Does it matter if Gryfinndor doesn't win? No it doesn't!!! So I don't care!_

Looking for a saviour in these dirty streets  
Looking for a saviour beneath these dirty sheets  
I've been raising up my hands  
Drive another nail in  
Where are those angels  
When you need them

**_September 14th_**

**_The past two nights I've been doing it again. I know I shouldn't and I was so sure I could stop. But... it's just everything makes me want to do it. I think I actually need to do it. I just picked up my razor and pushed it onto my leg. Sliding it along is so easy and it's so relieving. _**

**_And the blood is good to watch. It seeps out so perfectly. Like evil inside me is being released! How can I not love it?_**

**_Answer… although I do love it… of she loved me I probably wouldn't do it. She so perfect. Yes I'm talking about a girl… can you guess who? Ginny… she's perfect in everyway but she's just my friend. Nothing more and I know she could never love me. For a start she's not gay… and second… don't get me started on me…_**

****

Why do we crucify ourselves  
Every day I crucify myself  
Nothing I do is good enough for you  
Crucify myself  
Every day I crucify myself   
And my heart is sick of being in chains**__**

**_September 15th          _**

**_Ginny spoke to me again today… She's being to nice all the time and part of me just wants to scream at her. I'm not sure I want to lose her friendship… not for love. I can't risk losing her. I'd rather have her as a friend than not at all. I'm going for a bath now… perhaps a few cuts might wake me up… or slap me back to reality._**

****

Why do we ...  
_... chains ... _  
Crucify ourselves  
Everyday

Hermione pulled her razor out of her bag and clutched it tightly in her hand. Blood seeped out from her fingers and ran down her arm. She screwed her face up. It did hurt but she squeezed it tighter anyway.

She let got after a moment and washed the blood away in the bath water. The soap stung slightly but she ignored it. Pain was always good.

_This razor will only go so deep; girl… perhaps a knife would be better for you?_

"Next time." She said out loud and she brought the razor down to her leg.

Never going back again  
Crucify myself again   
You know  
Never going back again to  
Crucify myself  
Everyday

A/N

I was thinking of continuing it… If you like it I will… if not I'll just leave it like that.


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